Amazing advice on shalom bayit

SOME AMAZING ADVICE ON SHALOM BAYIT

Translated from the recent shiurim of Rav Eliezer Berland, shlita, by the 'Sparks of Light' newsletter.

You're supposed to tell your wife: "You are my Neshama, אַת הַכַּפָּרָה שֶׁלִּי, אֲנִי הַכַּפָּרָה שֶׁלָּךְ."

Always a person needs to says words of praise, the Zohar[1] says that each person should tell his wife that all women are like monkeys in comparison to her, not to tell her that that woman is better and that woman is more efficient, because then right away there will be a Get divorce, if a person tells his wife that there is a woman who is better than her then it is better that he should give her a Get.

A person is supposed to tell his wife,

> "You are the best wife in the world, you are the most successful woman in the world."

EVERY WOMAN IS UNIQUE

Every woman has something unique about her. So the Zohar in Bereishit says that every person should say to his wife, "You are the best woman in the world, you are the most wonderful woman in the world, there is no woman like you." This is what he is supposed to say to his wife day and night, to say this a hundred times a day, every time he comes home, he comes in the afternoon – he comes in the evening – he comes after Shacharit, right away to tell her, "

> You are the most wonderful woman, the best woman, your food is the tastiest food in the world, only you know how to cook, there is no such food like this in the world."

Always a person needs to tell her praises, if not – he shouldn’t come home, he should divorce her, if he doesn’t know how to say a good word – then he should get divorced, he should give her a Get and she'll go to another husband who will tell her good words.

If you don’t know how to say a good word you should get divorced, you have to always know how to tell your wife good words, only words of encouragement, like it says, "זֹאת הַפַּעַם", "You are the most successful woman in the world."

THE BEST SHIDDUCH IN THE WORLD

It says, "וַיֹּאמֶר הָאָדָם זֹאת הַפַּעַם עֶצֶם מֵעֲצָמַי וּבָשָׂר מִבְּשָׂרִי[2]", "You are my flesh, you are my Neshama, you are myself, you are a part of me, we are one Shiduch – this is the best Shiduch in the world." Always to tell her that this was the best Shiduch, sometimes the woman says that maybe you made a mistake, - you should say, "I didn’t make a mistake, I got the best Shiduch that could be." "וַיֹּאמֶר הָאָדָם זֹאת הַפַּעַם עֶצֶם מֵעֲצָמַי וּבָשָׂר מִבְּשָׂרִי",

> "You are a bone from my bones, you are flesh from my flesh."

Where in the world do we find such words of praise? All the writers and libraries and books that people write about Shalom Bayit – about אַהֲבָה between a man and his wife, there is no such book which writes such words of praise.

THE TORAH'S PRAISE OF THE WIFE

The Zohar says – there are no such words of praise like what the Torah writes about a wife, "זֹאת הַפַּעַם עֶצֶם מֵעֲצָמַי וּבָשָׂר מִבְּשָׂרִי", "You are my own self, you are my Neshama, it's impossible to separate between us, we will never separate," this is what you have to say a hundred times a day, "עֶצֶם מֵעֲצָמַי וּבָשָׂר מִבְּשָׂרִי".

Where do we find such words in all the books of the word? By all the writers, in all the books of Shalom Bayit in the whole world, there are no such words of אהבה in any book, "You are a bone of my bones, you are flesh of my flesh – you are my own self", where do we find that there are such words? To show that my רָצוֹן and her רָצוֹן is one thing.

THAT I AM THE MOST LUCKIEST WITH HER AND THE MOST HAPPY WITH HER.

WOMEN SAY WHAT IS IN THEIR HEARTS

And even if the wife says something – she says some word – you should ignore it, don’t take it to heart , don’t answer. A woman always wants to say whatever she feels like, but for a husband it is forbidden, because a man learns Torah, a woman learns whenever she feels like it, but a man has to learn, so it's forbidden for him to be נכשל with any word, כֹּלָּא הוּא מָלֵי רְחִימוּתָא – only אַהֲבָה, only to awaken אַהֲבָה, to awaken שִׂמְחָה, to awaken closeness, הָא בְּסִימוּ דְּמִלִּין לְאַמְשְׁכָא עִמָּהּ חֲבִיבוּתָא – which words? – Only words of praise.

Which words? - Such words that there aren’t in all the books in the world, there is no book in the world which says such words like the Torah says how a husband should speak to his wife, a few מִילִין דִּרְחִימוּתָא – words of אהבה– a few words -  "עֶצֶם מֵעֲצָמַי וּבָשָׂר מִבְּשָׂרִי", there aren’t such words like this in the world, - to show her that both of us are one and there is no separation between us, there will never be a separation between us, we will always be one thing, Hashem says "לְזֹאת יִקָּרֵא אִשָּׁה" – that you are 'the only woman in the world', this what you always have to tell to your wife.

THERE IS NO BETTER WOMAN THAN YOUR WIFE

It is forbidden to say that there are better women, more successful women, 'this one is successful', just you have to always say: "You are the most successful, you are the most wonderful, you are the most unique, what you do, no one else can do, the food that you make no one else can make, you are the chief chef of the whole world."

You should always say, "לְזֹאת יִקָּרֵא אִשָּׁה, only for you is left the title 'אִשָּׁה', only you, there is none like you, like you isn’t to be found, there was never like you and there will never be like you, you are the most precious to me, there is no person in the world who is precious to me like you, you are the most precious from all the women."

And this is what we said at the beginning, "And all women are like monkeys compared to you", this is what you have to tell her, "You should know that all women in my eyes are like monkeys, I don’t see a woman at all, I don’t see any other woman other than you. All women are like monkeys in my eyes, really like monkeys, and you are the epitome of perfection".

DON'T GIVE MUSSAR TO YOUR WIFE

You shouldn't tell her, "You are not perfect, and you are like this, you need to perfect yourself a bit more, you need to get a bit more advice." You should tell her,

> "You are the most perfect woman, everyone should come to get counseling from you, you are the counselor, you don’t need any ייעוץ".

A woman doesn’t need any counseling, she knows what she needs to do, only from time to time when her husband angers her so he has to suffer the consequences. You angered her, so you have to pay for it, 'אַז תֹאכַל אֶת זֶה', you don’t even know at all that you angered her, you forgot, and because of that you are מִסְתַּבֵּךְ, and you don’t even know at all how all this started.

So you should always tell her, "You are 'the perfection', you don’t need any ייעוץ, you can be מייעץ others. - לְזֹאת יִקָּרֵא אִשָּׁה – you are the only successful woman in the world, other than you there is no other successful woman, there isn’t, there just isn’t, you are the 'perfection of all women', שְׁלֵמוּת – you are the שְׁלֵמוּת and non-other" – to express this, "only you and non-other", that she shouldn't say that 'maybe there is another perfect woman', 'maybe there are two perfect women', 'three perfect women'.

NO! THERE ARE NO THREE PERFECT, AND NO TWO PERFECT, THERE IS ONLY ONE PERFECT WOMAN - ONLY MY WIFE, THERE IS ONLY ONE PERFECT WOMAN!

ALWAYS COME HOME WITH A PRESENT FOR YOUR WIFE

This is all dependent on the husband if he will be easy, and if he'll speak nicely, and he won't come home stressed. You should always come home with a present, with some pizza, with something, falafel, he should come home with something.

He should come with a delicacy, they should sit together, he should always come with something, once he should come with ice cream, once with pizza, and they should sit together and speak a bit. They should tell a few stories, and with patience, not with nervousness, not 'I'm in a rush'.

A person comes home he's not in a rush, he doesn’t have anything other than his wife, the moment he comes home there isn’t anything in the world other than his wife, nothing, it doesn’t exist, the world is dead, the world stopped, the world stopped running, suddenly the watch stopped,

> "You are the perfection of everything! Only you! Only you and none other!

[1] זוֹהַר חֵלֶק א' דַּף מ"ט ע"ב

תָּא חֲזֵי, מַה כְּתִיב הָכָא וַיֹּאמֶר הָאָדָם זֹאת הַפַּעַם וְגו'. הָא בְּסִימוּ דְּמִלִּין לְאַמְשְׁכָא עִמָּהּ חֲבִיבוּתָא, וּלְאַמְשָׁכָא לָהּ (עמה) לִרְעוּתֵיהּ לְאַתְעָרָא עִמָּהּ רְחִימוּתָא. חָמֵי כַּמָּה בְּסִימִין אִנּוּן מִלִּין, כַּמָּה מִלֵּי דִרְחִימוּתָא אִנּוּן, עֶצֶם מֵעֲצָמַי וּבָשָׂר מִבְּשָׂרִי, בְּגִין לְאַחֲזָאָה לָהּ דְּאִנּוּן חַד וְלָא אִית פִּירוּדָא בֵּינַיְיהוּ בְּכֹלָּא:

הַשְׁתָּא שָׁרֵי לְשַׁבָּחָא לָהּ. לְזֹאת יִקָּרֵא אִשָּׁה דָּא הִיא דְּלָא יִשְׁתַּכַּח כַּוָּותָהּ. דָּא הִיא יְקָרָא דְּבֵיתָא כֻּלְּהוֹן נָשִׁין גַּבָּהּ כְּקוֹפָא בִּפְנֵי בְּנִי נָשָׁא. אֲבָל לְזֹאת יִקָּרֵא אִשָּׁה שְׁלִימוּ דְּכֹלָּא לְזֹאת וְלָא לְאַחֲרָא. כֹּלָּא הוּא מָלֵי רְחִימוּתָא כְּמָא דְאַתְּ אָמֵר, (משלי לא) רַבּוֹת בָּנוֹת עָשׂוּ חָיִל וְאַתְּ עָלִית עַל כֻּלָּנָה:

עַל כֵּן יַעֲזָב אִישׁ אֶת אָבִיו וְאֶת אִמּוֹ וְדָבַק בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ וְהָיוּ לְבָשָׂר אֶחָד, כֹּלָּא לְאַמְשָׁכָא לָהּ בִּרְחִימוּ וּלְאִתְדַּבְּקָא בַּהֲדָהּ.

[2] בראשית ב, כג

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