Child Education – Parashat Ekev by Rabbi Eliezer Berland Shlit”a

CHIDUSHIM ON PARASHAT EKEV BY RABBI ELIEZER BERLAND SHLIT”A:

“THEY SHALL BE TOTAFOT BETWEEN YOUR EYES” (DEVARIM 11:18)

“‘Totafot’ – these are the little children! These are the children! ‘Totafot between your eyes’ means that the little children must be between your eyes! A man has children – he must watch over his children! Your child is sitting on seventy bonfires! He has lusts, hatred, jealousy. Once you too sat on seventy bonfires. Baruch Hashem, you succeeded to flourish from amidst the ashes, from amidst the hardships. But who says your child will succeed in flourishing?! If you don’t pay attention to your child, if you don’t sit with him, if you don’t tell him stories, don’t bring him to shiurim, don’t bring him to prayers on Shabbat – then what will the child do?! What can the child see?! He will be on the street and will only see immodesty all day long.

“If you want your child to be holy… if you want your child to be made of stone, made of wood, like in the days of King David, as it is written: ‘Our sons are like saplings, grown up in their youth… crafted in the form of the sanctuary’ (Tehillim 144:12). In the time of David, the sons were like saplings! The sons were of wood! All of them were holy and pure! All the daughters and sons were ‘like saplings, grown up,’ all of them were like trees! They had no improper thoughts! ‘Totafot between your eyes’ – today, the little children must be between your eyes! You need watch over the little children! Watch over the children! Bring them for Shabbatot, bring them to prayers so that they will see what prayer is.

“A person can be holy of holies! A person can be the Kohen Gadol who enters the Holy of Holies! But what about your children?! Your children are ordinary children. They are jealous, they have desires, they want money. ‘Totafot between your eyes’ – you must watch over your son! If you do not see what your child is doing every moment, if you do not know where your child is every moment, where he is going, who he is with – then he will fall into the net of the Satan, God forbid. Between your eyes! Your son must be at home! You must keep your child at home! You must keep your child next to you at home! The little children must always be between your eyes.

> “The Rebbe says: Do you want your child to endure? Then distance yourself from him a bit! For surely one must kiss the children and caress the children, but sometimes it is only the desire of the father! A person has nothing to do with his child, so he takes him, kisses him, caresses him – what… are you a woman?! It is written about Shifra that she would take care of the newborn, it is written about Puah that she would coo to the newborn. What are you, Shifra? What are you, Puah? What are you, a lamb?! All day ‘ma, ma, ma’ with the child, all day kissing the child! Sometimes your wife has no strength and needs you to hold the child. Your wife asks you to lift him up -- so lift him up, and meanwhile say Tehillim, say Likutei Tefillot.

“The father returns at four or five, sits with the child, tells him stories, learns Aleph-Bet with him. Rabbi Natan would sit with his children every evening and say with them Birkat HaMazon and Kriyat Shema. This is what you should do with your child! You need to pay attention to your child! But don’t pamper and kiss him all day. The child must be independent, healthy in his soul. A father comes home, says Kriyat Shema with his children, Birkat HaMazon with them – he has what to do! Birkat HaMazon together! Kriyat Shema together! Read with him a passage from cheder, read a story about Tzaddikim. It is written: ‘And you shall teach them to your children’ – it is not written: ‘and you shall kiss your children.’ It is not written: ‘and you shall caress your children.’ Rather, it is written: ‘and you shall teach them to your children.’ A father sits with his child, tells him stories, reads Kriyat Shema with him – then the child sees that his father cares for him and loves him.

“One must know: the Satan fights with your children! Children must be guarded! There is no hefker! You must sit with your children, speak with them, tell them stories again and again. When you come home, you should do homework with them, ask: What did you learn? Help them, review with them their lessons every day! In this way, the child becomes bound to his father, and he does not want to know what is happening in the streets. The moment the child sees that his father cares for him and sits with him, he sees nothing else! The moment the child loves his father, when he walks in the street he sees nothing! When he has a father and mother to whom he is attached, then nothing else interests him! Nothing interests him at all.

“A man must know that the Satan fights with him! The Satan fights with his children! A person who did teshuvah (repented), who came to sanctify himself – the Satan fights with him the greatest war! The Satan fights with his children! He takes from them the desire, he takes from them the mind, he clothes himself in the wife, he clothes himself in the children. It’s not simple! And Hashem Himself must rebuke him! ‘Hashem shall rebuke you, Satan’ (Zechariah 3:2). Hashem rebukes him: Enough already! Stop driving people crazy! I will slaughter you! The Satan says to Hashem: I am not afraid! I will continue to cause people to stumble! I will overcome them, their children! I will destroy them! I will give them such improper thoughts… such forbidden sights… I will cause them to stumble until they fall into my net! And Hashem must rebuke him again! One rebuke is not enough! And we must help Hashem to rebuke him! We must cry out to Hashem! We must say to Hashem: ‘Master of the World, rebuke the Satan! Master of the world, rebuke him, remove him from me, I have no strength!’

“Shabbat comes – everyone sings, everyone dances with the children! Everyone!! Admorim, Rabbis, Roshei Yeshivot – all sit three, four hours at the Shabbat table and sing with the children. The children say words of Torah, chidushim. The children feel the delight of Shabbat, feel a desire, feel a desire to be chareidim, a desire to be God-fearing. The Shabbat table is the key to all things in the world, to all salvations. A man sits with his children and sings with them, then his children receive desire – desire for Torah, desire for prayer, desire for fear of Heaven. The children receive love for their father and mother. If you don’t sing, it’s not Shabbat!! A man who does not sing zemirot, what will his son do – will he not sin, God forbid? If a family does not sing zemirot, then afterwards the children wander about. They have nothing to do, so they go outside, hear improper things, meet bad friends and ruin other friends.

“A child sees that his father doesn’t pray, isn’t happy, doesn’t sing zemirot – then he goes and sins. When Shabbat comes, the child must see his father singing, yearning, longing, and delighting in the Shabbat – then he too receives a taste for Shabbat, a taste for life. Shabbat is a time of zemirot, of songs. An hour of singing zemirot – then the children receive vitality, they laugh and are happy. If the child sings with his father on Shabbat, then in the merit of that hour he can hold himself up until the next week. If he meets a bad friend, he will tell him, ‘Leave me alone, why do you want to ruin me?’ When a child sees his father sitting calmly, singing songs and zemirot, he feels such goodness in his heart, such tranquility -- this is his whole life! This is his whole joy! Then he isn’t interested in what is happening in the street, he’s not interested in the vanities that are in the street. What more does a child need than this?! The minimum of a Jew is Shabbat zemirot.

“They asked the father of Rabbi David of Lelov: How did you merit to such a son? He answered that when he would sing Shabbat zemirot and would reach the niggun ‘And may they merit to see sons and sons of sons occupied in Torah and mitzvot,’ he would say it with such weeping, with such devotion, for at least half an hour – to merit to see sons and sons of sons. A man wants his child to not remove the peot? Why shouldn’t he cut off the peot?! What does he see in his father? His father sleeps on Shabbat, eats, again eats and sleeps, and again and again. If the father would sing with enthusiasm, cause the children to dance, ignite them – no child would ever cut off his peot, and no child would ever go astray. Because the children also want to serve Hashem! Only that they don’t see any service of Hashem! So if a man will sing with devotion, sing with melody ‘And may they merit to see sons and sons of sons,’ then he and his sons and his sons’ sons will all go with peot and be occupied in Torah and mitzvot.

> “Shabbat Kodesh – what does the child see? He only sees eating, drinking, and sleeping! Eating and drinking! That is what he sees! Then afterwards the father asks: Why did he run away?! Why did he leave?! He had it so good at home – he ate, he drank, he had everything! I gave him everything! All the delicacies! All the delights! You gave him a candy and another candy, and afterwards you gave him a tastier candy, and somewhere else you gave him a whole bag of candies! So this child seeks only candies!! Because that is what you gave him his whole life!! Only candies! No holiness, no joy, no spirituality!

“‘Totafot between your eyes’ – the little children must be kept between your eyes! The children must be between your eyes! This is the most important thing! The most important!! The little children must always be between your eyes! There must not be any ‘Hesech HaDa’at (distraction)’ – just like with tefillin! ‘Totafot between your eyes.’ The child went off for five minutes? Immediately ask: Where did you disappear to?! What is this, disappearing for five minutes? The child must come home from cheder straight away! If he is five minutes late, you already need to go out into the streets looking for him! You need to guard the children! The little children must be between your eyes! If not… the children become lost, God forbid! ‘Totafot between your eyes’ – this is the first thing.”