Prayer for Age 18

Master of the Universe, Omnipotent One from whom no purpose can be withheld, in honor of my becoming 18 years old, summon my soulmate to me in the blink of an eye. Grant me the merit from today onward to guard my eyes, and may I never again look at any strange woman, Heaven forbid, nor any strange girl, Heaven forbid. May I learn Torah day and night, and may the verses be fulfilled in me: "When shall I come and appear before God?" (Psalms 42:3), "Awake [286] awake [286], put on [342] your strength [103], Zion [156]; put on [342] your garments of [19] splendor [1101], Jerusalem [596], the holy [280] city [415] = 3826" (Isaiah 52:1). May I merit to see Hashem face to face, and through this, may the verses be fulfilled in me: "He who trusts [30] in Hashem [28], loving-kindness [72] will surround him [141]" (Psalms 32:10), "But the path [213] of the righteous [254] is like the light of [227] dawn [58], shining [61] ever brighter [213] until [74] the height of [126] day [61]" (Proverbs 4:18). May all my thoughts all day long be solely in the holy and pure Gemara [246], and in this merit, may the verse be fulfilled in me: "My dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the covert of the cliff, let me see [276] your [401] appearance [271], let me hear [495] your [401] voice [156] = 3826; for your voice is sweet, and your appearance is comely" (Song of Songs 2:14).

Master of the Universe, upon my reaching the age of eighteen (Shmonah [401] Asar [570] = 971), grant me the merit of pure, simple faith (Emunah [132] Temimah [500]), just as 'then [8] from Sinai [170] they were commanded [161] = 971', which is the Gematria of the words "eighteen" (Shmonah Asar). In the merit of reaching the age of eighteen, Gematria 971, may I merit a pure and perfect wife (Isha [336] Temimah [500]), who is the ladder (Sulam [135] = 971) to ascend with to Heaven. As our holy Rebbe (Rebbe Nachman) promised, that whoever merits a pure wife and lives with her for all one hundred and twenty years in holiness and purity will merit to ascend with her in a storm to Heaven. Just as the Chasam Sofer explains on the Torah portion of Chayei Sarah, that Avraham hoped he and Sarah would ascend in a storm to Heaven like Chanoch, and therefore he did not seek a burial plot before her passing. So too, may You grant me and my future wife the merit that she will be a beautiful [56] and graceful [89] bride [55], and that she will be included in the Higher Shechinah (Divine Presence) [385] and the Lower Shechinah [385] + 1 = 971, the Gematria of eighteen. In this merit, may I and my wife, who will be a beautiful and graceful bride, included in the two Shechinos, Higher and Lower, merit to ascend together with her in a storm to Heaven after one hundred and twenty years, and we will not need any grave in this world.

Master of the Universe, Omnipotent One from whom no purpose can be withheld, grant me the merit upon reaching age 18, grant me my true soulmate who will be like Sarah [505], Rivkah [307], Rachel [238], Leah [36] = 1086. In the merit that I will meditate all my days in the Gemara [246], Shas [360], Talmud [480] = 1086, and in the merit that I will merit to be attached all my days to our holy and awesome Rebbe, Rebbe Nachman ben Simchah ben Feige, in the light of [209] the seven [772] days [105] = 1086. In this merit, may I merit the holy and awesome Name of Ma"h = 45, 'Yud Heh Vav Heh', and in this merit may all my sins be forgiven, as it is written: "Though [41] your sins [88] be [31] as scarlet [420], they shall be as white [108] as snow [453] = 1086; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18).

Master of the Universe, Omnipotent One from whom no purpose can be withheld, please, Hashem who is One, grant me the merit upon reaching the age of eighteen, grant me my true soulmate, with whom I will be able to bring the complete Geulah (Redemption). For we know 'that the dominion [694] before You [190], strength [77] is in Your hand [36], and might [216] is in Your right hand [130]', and Your Name is awesome over all that You have created. May my wife (HaIsha [306] = 1649) be the best, the most righteous, and the wisest in the world, forever. May I merit in her merit to see You face to face, as we pray, "When shall I come = 10 and appear before God?" And may I merit in her merit, Hashem who is One = 1, to be dust [350] and ashes [287], and I will not care about all those who mock me and insult me. In this merit, open for me all the gates of [580] holiness [420] = 1648. And may I merit, Hashem who is One = 1, in her merit, to have righteous children, like our holy and awesome Rebbe, Rebbe Nachman = 148 ben Simchah ben Feige, and like his holy and awesome disciple Reb Noson = 500. May we succeed in all our ways, and may the awesome statement be fulfilled in me and my bride: 'For [30] Israel [541] does [381] valiantly [48] = 1649'.

The Famous Prayer for Age 18

Master of the Universe, eighteen years have passed over me in nothingness and emptiness, without Torah and without prayer. I have wasted most of my years, my days, and my moments on idle matters, and I have never yet merited even one prayer with proper intention. Yet You, in Your abundant mercy, have granted me the merit to be among the seed of Israel, Your servants, and You have drawn me close in Your abundant mercy to true tzaddikim, to believe in them and to yearn for them. Deal with me according to Your loving-kindness in the merit of the "holy ones who are in the earth," and help me and assist me that a true illumination and awakening should reach me. May I remember and truly awaken, and may the good within me awaken and become aware of the good within me—its great virtue, from where it is taken and drawn: from the Supernal Thought of the Holy One, blessed be He, where I ascended in thought first among the collective souls of Israel. I am a 'light creation in the sea', above all the four worlds which are Atzilus, Beriah, Yetzirah, and Asiyah (Emanation, Creation, Formation, and Action). In my root, I am above them all, for I am from the seed of Israel who ascended in thought first, and with us Hashem, may He be blessed, consulted and took counsel to create the world and all the worlds in their entirety, and all that is in them, from their root in Atzilus to the ultimate end of Asiyah, which is this physical world and all that is in it, in the heavens and on the earth, the seas and all that is in them. And now, now, please help me, please strengthen me, please encourage me, please awaken me, please arouse me in Your abundant mercy, that I may merit in Your true loving-kindness to remind myself very, very well of where I am, to where I have been cast, to where I have distanced myself from You until now. Can it be believed if it is told? Such true good that has been rooted in me for eighteen years—instead of revealing it, refining it, purifying it, and cleansing it, I have piled upon it all kinds of garbage and filth, abominable deeds for which I am even liable for excommunication and banishment. The light of the soul, which shines brighter than precious stones and gems, I have hidden and darkened with all kinds of darkness and gloom, and I have cast it into a place of darkness and the shadow of death, into the lowest and most degraded places without any light or vitality. "The dregs of the cup of trembling you have drunk and wrung them out" into my soul. I have blemished, sinned, acted perversely, and oppressed my soul with all kinds of oppression and affliction. I have afflicted it with all kinds of harsh and bitter torments, such that if all the murderers in the world and in all generations were to come upon me and torture me with all the tortures in the world and in all generations, they could not do to me and harm me as much as I have done to myself and harmed myself with even one of the lightest of sins.

Master of the Universe, our Father, merciful Father, help me now to rectify all this. May this day, the day I enter my eighteenth year—the day about which it is said, 'At eighteen to the chupah (marriage canopy)'—be like the day of Moshe Rabbeinu, peace be upon him, whose mother made him a youth's chupah at the age of three months, and his light and radiance shone from one end of the world to the other, because even then he merited the Mochin d'Abba (Supernal Intellect of the Father). As the holy Arizal writes (Part 2, 14), that from the age of fifteen to eighteen is sufficient time for all the inner aspects of Abba to enter, and then one is fit for the chupah. But I have blemished all this, and I have gone from one extreme to the other. Not only did I not receive these wondrous and awesome Mochin (intellects), but I also ruined, corrupted, and blemished the Mochin I had previously, from the time I came into the world. Instead of the verse being fulfilled in me, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness," I have transformed myself, through the animalistic deeds I have done from my youth until this day, into the image and likeness of an animal. I have worsened my deeds more and more until I corrupted and destroyed every human image that was in me, and I descended to a level lower and lower than an animal, which has no intellect and does not blemish the intellect. I took all the lights You placed within me and surrounded me with—inner lights and surrounding lights—and I darkened them and brought them down to the depths of the Kelipos (impure husks). With them, I gave life to the nations of the world and the wicked, and I placed a sword in the hands of the enemies of Israel to destroy us, Heaven forbid. "I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek Your servant, for I have not forgotten Your commandments. I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek Your servant."

Master of the Universe, full of mercy, if I were to say I will recount how I have wandered and been led astray for many days and years, from the day I came into being until this day, a multitude of parchments would fall short, and the earth could not contain all my words. All the skins of the rams of Nebaioth and all the tongues in the world would not suffice to explain and recount the sheer multitude of wanderings and the confusing paths in which I have strayed. I have entangled myself in very, very confusing, corrupted, blemished, and abominable paths, for I have made my deeds very evil. I have sinned, I have committed iniquity, I have transgressed, and I have drawn the Evil Inclination upon myself until I reached what I reached and corrupted what I corrupted. Every single time, through every single sin, through every single thought, and through every single blemish, I wandered and was led astray into very many confusing and corrupted paths. And from all these confusing paths, many more confusing, straying, and corrupted paths emerge. I have been walking and wandering, walking and wandering, for eighteen years now, for many days and years. And it was not enough for me that I had already been led astray so much by the first sins I committed, but I added to them every single day—sins upon sins, transgressions upon transgressions, and iniquities upon iniquities. Thoughts upon thoughts, foreign thoughts upon foreign thoughts, confusions and evil ideas upon confusions and evil ideas, until they have intertwined, risen upon my neck, and made my strength stumble. What can I say? What can I speak? How can I justify myself? I have spread out my hands to You; help me, save me! I have strayed so much these eighteen years into very confused and bewildering paths, to the point that even if You have mercy on me and You call, announce, and hint to me, I do not hear or clearly recognize the sound of Your call, and I still have not returned from my error. Woe is me, alas for me! Master of the Universe, Master of the Universe, all the expressions of supplication, request, crying out, and regret in the world—I should have cried them all out several years ago. And now, now, after I have added several more sins, iniquities, and transgressions in thought, speech, and action every day and every hour, what more can I add to speak? Who can innovate more words? Who will give me a mouth to speak more according to what I need to speak? Especially since, in truth, I do not merit to speak perfectly in truth. Even the words I would have needed to speak had I only committed a thousandth and a myriadth of what I have done... Oy, oy, oy! What can I say, what can I speak, and what strength can I muster? Like a dead dog I lie before You; like foul mud I am poured out before You. Here I am before You, full of shame and disgrace, full of sins, iniquities, and transgressions from the sole of my foot to my head, from the day I gained awareness until this day. Help one who is wandering and led astray in confusing, corrupted paths and confused thoughts like me today. Show me the true path and the right counsel so that I may quickly merit to reach the straight path according to Your true good will. May I merit from now on to return to You in truth and to serve You in truth, with awe and love. Favor me and redeem me. "Revive me according to Your loving-kindness, so shall I keep the testimony of Your mouth." "Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day." "Teach me, Hashem, the way of Your statutes, and I will keep it to the end." "The earth, Hashem, is full of Your loving-kindness; teach me Your statutes." May it be Your will, Hashem our God and the God of our fathers, that You grant me the merit of a youth's chupah. Just as You crowned Moshe Rabbeinu, peace be upon him, with the light of Your chupah when he reached three months of age, so too crown me with the lights of Abba, Arich, and Atik (Supernal Partzufim/Divine Countenances). Renew my youth that passed in darkness, and draw down upon me Your Thirteen Attributes of Mercy, which are drawn from the thirteen rectifications of the Beard of Arich, which are drawn from the thirteen times the word 'Light' is written in the Act of Creation. Fulfill in me the verse, "And Avraham returned to his young men" (Genesis 22:19)—to the days of his youth and vitality. May I not cease my clinging to You for even a brief moment, and may I have no pleasure from this world, not even a hairsbreadth. Grant me the blessing of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov—with all, from all, all—who merited to be weaned from the Evil Inclination immediately in their childhood, and all their days were a taste of the World to Come, solely in supernal clinging to You. They merited all their days to enjoy the radiance of the Shechinah, and to stroll in the supernal chambers in the Lower and Upper Garden of Eden. Just as Yitzchak merited on the day of his chupah to come "from the way of Be'er Lahai Roi," which our Sages, of blessed memory, said means he came from the Garden of Eden, so too grant me and all Your people, the House of Israel, the merit to enter the Lower and Upper Garden of Eden by the day of their chupah. This is the secret of "In the beginning He created" (Bereshis Bara)—'a statement and a half statement' of supernal shame and lower shame, to be ashamed before You even before fulfilling every single mitzvah, even before putting food into my mouth. Grant me a life without sorrow, a life of true lowliness and humility, a life that is a taste of the World to Come. May I merit to walk "before Hashem in the lands of the living." Transform all my sins into merits, and grant me the merit of teshuvah (repentance) out of love. Transform falsehood into truth, and every desecration of Hashem's Name that I have caused into a sanctification of Hashem's Name. Transform all my sadness and sorrows into joy and gladness, and all my many sins into my many merits. All that I have blemished, sinned, and caused others to sin, You will rectify in Your abundant mercy, and transform everything into merits, into mitzvos, into joy, and into light. Grant me wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, so that I will never again do anything that is against Your will, Heaven forbid, and all the more so, not to do even the slightest hint of a sin, Heaven forbid. May I not be ashamed or disgraced, Heaven forbid, neither in this world nor in the World to Come. May the verses be fulfilled in me: "Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; and your light shall rise in the darkness, and your gloom shall be as the noonday. And Hashem will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; and you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not. And they that shall be of you shall build the old waste places; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of paths to dwell in" (Isaiah 58:8-12). "I will greatly rejoice in Hashem, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels" (Isaiah 61:10). "You shall also be a crown of beauty in the hand of Hashem, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God" (Isaiah 62:3).

Master of the Universe, full of mercy, You created me ex nihilo (something from nothing), through the soul of the holy and awesome tzaddik, Rebbe Nachman ben Simchah ben Feige. And now I have come before You, and just as I and the entire collective of Israel say every day, 'Our God and the God of our fathers, transform all the harsh and bitter fires of my lusts into a holy fire of a flame for You.' May I merit every single day to be inflamed with the flames of love for You, with the fire of the sparks of holy fire, and may the verse be fulfilled in me: "For love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave; its flashes are flashes of fire, a most vehement flame" (Song of Songs 8:6). May my entire impure body, which I have defiled for fifteen years since the age of three with all kinds of impurities in the world—may this entire body of mine be transformed into a torch of holy fire for You. May I merit to be clothed in a holy body from the Garden of Eden, just as You did for Moshe Rabbeinu, peace be upon him, when You said to him, "Take your shoes off your feet." So too, grant me the merit, in the merit of our holy Rebbe, that I may merit to shed my impure body, the leprosy of the skin of the snake, the hide of the serpent. May I merit to shed it completely and transform my body from completely evil to completely good. May I merit to shed streams and rivers of tears until I merit to be included in the soul of our holy Rebbe, which is the river that purifies from all stains. May I merit that the light of the Chashmal (spiritual electrum/radiance) will surround me day and night, and all my descents will be transformed into ascents, and all my sins into merits, by meriting now, at the age of eighteen, to do teshuvah out of love. In this merit, may I merit to fulfill the statement of our Sages, of blessed memory, 'At eighteen to the chupah,' and in this merit, may I merit to find my true soulmate in the blink of an eye.

?? 1 ? Master of the Universe, eighteen years have passed over me without Torah and prayer, without guarding my eyes, and without the holiness of the Covenant. You commanded us in Your abundant mercy, "At eighteen to the chupah," but due to my many sins, I have also blemished the path of Hashem with the 224 lights that need to shine in my soulmate. Through this, I caused darkness between Your Cause and the Cause of Causes, and I brought darkness and gloom into all the Sefiros (Divine Emanations). I darkened my days and my years, my intellect, my heart, my Nefesh, my Ruach, and my Neshamah (levels of the soul). Not only that, but I fell into terrible arrogance, and my prayers are not accepted. I lack the aspects of Menashe and Ephraim, through whom prayers are accepted and through whom one can accomplish any action in the world, for this is Your ultimate good will for me: "Gilead is Mine, Menashe is Mine; Ephraim also is the stronghold of My head; Judah is My lawgiver" (Psalms 60:9). I have deviated from all the paths of the holy Tribes who stand at the gates of Jerusalem and do not allow anyone to enter who does not walk in their ways. I have exited the boundary of Jerusalem like Jeroboam the son of Nebat and his companions. All the paths leading to the Garden of Eden have been hidden from me by all my bitter lusts, and all the ways established by the King of the Universe to ascend the steps going up to the House of God have been hidden from me. I do not know how to reach the sword that extracts one from all lusts and nullifies all worldly matters. Ever since the stormy wind broke forth and turned the whole world upside down, turning water into dry land and dry land into water, a desert into a settlement and a settlement into a desert, all the ways and paths have disappeared. I am walking and wandering, tossed about in the treacherous waters worse than a ship tossed in the heart of the sea, rising to the heavens and plunging to the depths. My soul has already been shipwrecked thousands and myriads of times, and I do not know at all how I have remained alive, were it not for Your abundant mercy, that You help someone with no strength and a wretched person like me, who has rebelled against all Your good counsels and transgressed all Your holy commandments. There is no sin or iniquity I have not committed, no chamber I have not blemished, and no Sefirah I have not darkened. And the root of all roots is that I have turned away from my soulmate, and I do not know how I will approach my wedding, having caused darkness between the Cause of Causes and the Cause of the Cause of Causes. I do not know how I will illuminate the light of Hashem in my home, light the candle of our holy Rebbe, and fulfill with all my soul and might "Ich glei zich tzum Reben" (Yiddish: I rely completely on the Rebbe), and speak in the house all day only of our holy Rebbe. I have no words; my mind, my heart, and my mouth are blocked. I have no mouth to eat and no hands to serve. I do not know where I am going or where I am in the world, and how I will learn sixteen hours a day without wasting a single second, engaging only in Torah and prayer. Yet, I believe with perfect faith that You are Omnipotent, and no purpose can be withheld from You. For I know my Redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last upon the earth, that someone like me has never yet existed in the world. But You can help even someone with no strength like me, and guide a wretched person the likes of whom has never existed. For I am the worst creation ever created, and specifically from such a creation You expect the greatest gratification and the most wondrous sanctification of Hashem's Name—to see and to show all the dwellers of the upper and lower realms how even such a lowly creation like me strives, fights, endeavors, and struggles for every drop of holiness, Torah, and prayer. Specifically from these struggles, You have more gratification than from all the service of the tzaddikim who were born as perfect tzaddikim like angels. All Your greatness comes specifically from a creation formed of clay like me, who sank into the depths of the sea, descended to the abysses, and was lost in the depths. I descended into the depths of the sea, to places no man has ever descended. And specifically through this, You expect specifically from me the wondrous and awesome sanctification of Hashem's Name that has never yet been—that such a lowly creation will do teshuvah, emerge from the depths, and ascend to the light, in the light of life, in the light of Torah and prayer, and illuminate the entire world with Your glory. For this is the entire purpose of creation: to be sanctified by those formed of clay, whose foundation is in the dust, who have already fallen to the lowest depths of the netherworld and below, like me. And specifically from there, You will raise me up for the sake of Your great and awesome Name that is called upon me, and for the sake of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, the Seven Shepherds, and our holy Rebbe, who pray for me day and night to save me from the depths of the sea and to raise me to the heavens, to the highest skies, Zevul and Aravos, and to merit to shine with precious light.

Master of the Universe, grant me the merit upon reaching age 18, the age of Chai (18), and twenty. Chai is the Gematria of Shas. May I merit the aspect of Chaf (20) and Chai (18). Chaf is the aspect of Kesser (Crown), the aspect of "Wait (Katar) for me a little" (Job 36:2), to accept all humiliations with love. In this merit, may I merit to know Shas forwards and backwards and in depth, and three times Shas with six letters (Shas [360] Shas [360] Shas [360] + 6 = 1086), which is the Gematria of all the holy Matriarchs: Sarah [505], Rivkah [307], Rachel [238], and Leah [36] = 1086, which is the Gematria of three times Shas and six letters. Please, Merciful and Gracious One, grant me the merit to be awake for the first fifty nights of age 18. In this merit, may I merit to see our holy Rebbe face to face, just as Adel, the daughter of our Rebbe, merited to see our holy Rebbe face to face. So too, grant me the merit, in the merit of learning the holy Shas, to see our holy Rebbe face to face. Therefore, Face (Panim) = 180, Face (Panim) = 180 = 360 = Shas. Please, Merciful and Gracious One, grant me the merit from this day onward that not even one day of my life should pass without an hour of Hisbodedus (secluded prayer). In this merit, may I merit to know the entire Shas forwards and backwards, with broad proficiency and deep analysis. For the moment a person merits to speak between himself and his Maker, in this merit he feels the Holy One, blessed be He, face to face, and in this merit he merits to know the entire Shas. Therefore, Between [62] a person [45] and [92] his Maker [162] = 361 = Shas + 1.

? Master of the Universe, full of mercy, perform a wonder for me for life, so that I will not be like the dead, Heaven forbid. Do with me an act of free loving-kindness as is fitting for You. Eighteen years have already passed over me, and from the day I gained awareness until now, not a day has passed without terrible blemishes, evil gazing, and evil thoughts. There was not a moment or a second that I did not blemish with terrible blemishes in thought, speech, and action. I followed the lusts of my body and its evil traits, with anger and rage, arrogance, baseless hatred, and every evil trait. Master of all worlds, Lord of all souls, You created Your world with Your good will for the sake of Israel, Your people, as it is written: "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." And our Sages, of blessed memory, said: For the sake of Israel, who are called 'beginning' (Reishis), for Israel ascended in thought first. For our sake, You created all the worlds in their entirety, from the beginning of Atzilus to this physical world, "the earth and all that is upon it, the seas and all that is in them." You created everything with Your good will so that You may glorify Yourself in us in every generation. Therefore, have mercy on us, our Father, merciful Father, and grant us the merit to always do what is good in Your eyes. May we merit to truly be according to Your good will, to turn away from evil and to do Your will always, so that Your glorification and delight in us may be revealed forever and for all eternity. Master of the Universe, eighteen years have passed over me in nothingness and emptiness, without Torah and without prayer. I have wasted most of my years, my days, and my moments on idle matters, and I have never yet merited even one prayer with proper intention. Yet You, in Your abundant mercy, have granted me the merit to be among the seed of Israel, Your servants, and You have drawn me close in Your abundant mercy to true tzaddikim, to believe in them and to yearn for them. Deal with me according to Your loving-kindness in the merit of the "holy ones who are in the earth," and help me and assist me that a true illumination and awakening should reach me. May I remember and truly awaken, and may the good within me awaken and become aware of the good within me—its great virtue, from where it is taken and drawn: from the Supernal Thought of the Holy One, blessed be He, where I ascended in thought first among the collective souls of Israel. I am a 'light creation in the sea', above all the four worlds which are Atzilus, Beriah, Yetzirah, and Asiyah. In my root, I am above them all, for I am from the seed of Israel who ascended in thought first, and with us Hashem, may He be blessed, consulted and took counsel to create the world and all the worlds in their entirety, and all that is in them, from their root in Atzilus to the ultimate end of Asiyah, which is this physical world and all that is in it, in the heavens and on the earth, the seas and all that is in them. And now, now, please help me, please strengthen me, please encourage me, please awaken me, please arouse me in Your abundant mercy, that I may merit in Your true loving-kindness to remind myself very, very well of where I am, to where I have been cast, to where I have distanced myself from You until now. Can it be believed if it is told? Such true good that has been rooted in me for eighteen years—instead of revealing it, refining it, purifying it, and cleansing it, I have piled upon it all kinds of garbage and filth, abominable deeds for which I am even liable for excommunication and banishment. The light of the soul, which shines brighter than precious stones and gems, I have hidden and darkened with all kinds of darkness and gloom, and I have cast it into a place of darkness and the shadow of death, into the lowest and most degraded places without any light or vitality. "The dregs of the cup of trembling you have drunk and wrung them out" into my soul. I have blemished, sinned, acted perversely, and oppressed my soul with all kinds of oppression and affliction. I have afflicted it with all kinds of harsh and bitter torments, such that if all the murderers in the world and in all generations were to come upon me and torture me with all the tortures in the world and in all generations, they could not do to me and harm me as much as I have done to myself and harmed myself with even one of the lightest of sins. Master of the Universe, our Father, merciful Father, help me now to rectify all this. May this day, the day I enter my eighteenth year—the day about which it is said, 'At eighteen to the chupah'—be like the day of Moshe Rabbeinu, peace be upon him, whose mother made him a youth's chupah at the age of three months, and his light and radiance shone from one end of the world to the other, because even then he merited the Mochin d'Abba. As the holy Arizal writes (Part 2, 14), that from the age of fifteen to eighteen is sufficient time for all the inner aspects of Abba to enter, and then one is fit for the chupah. But I have blemished all this, and I have gone from one extreme to the other. Not only did I not receive these wondrous and awesome Mochin, but I also ruined, corrupted, and blemished the Mochin I had previously, from the time I came into the world. Instead of the verse being fulfilled in me, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness," I have transformed myself, through the animalistic deeds I have done from my youth until this day, into the image and likeness of an animal. I have worsened my deeds more and more until I corrupted and destroyed every human image that was in me, and I descended to a level lower and lower than an animal, which has no intellect and does not blemish the intellect. I took all the lights You placed within me and surrounded me with—inner lights and surrounding lights—and I darkened them and brought them down to the depths of the Kelipos. With them, I gave life to the nations of the world and the wicked, and I placed a sword in the hands of the enemies of Israel to destroy us, Heaven forbid. "I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek Your servant, for I have not forgotten Your commandments." "I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek Your servant." Master of the Universe, full of mercy, if I were to say I will recount how I have wandered and been led astray for many days and years, from the day I came into being until this day, a multitude of parchments would fall short, and the earth could not contain all my words. All the skins of the rams of Nebaioth and all the tongues in the world would not suffice to explain and recount the sheer multitude of wanderings and the confusing paths in which I have strayed. I have entangled myself in very, very confusing, corrupted, blemished, and abominable paths, for I have made my deeds very evil. I have sinned, I have committed iniquity, I have transgressed, and I have drawn the Evil Inclination upon myself until I reached what I reached and corrupted what I corrupted. Every single time, through every single sin, through every single thought, and through every single blemish, I wandered and was led astray into very many confusing and corrupted paths. And from all these confusing paths, many more confusing, straying, and corrupted paths emerge. I have been walking and wandering, walking and wandering, for eighteen years now, for many days and years. And it was not enough for me that I had already been led astray so much by the first sins I committed, but I added to them every single day—sins upon sins, transgressions upon transgressions, and iniquities upon iniquities. Thoughts upon thoughts, foreign thoughts upon foreign thoughts, confusions and evil ideas upon confusions and evil ideas, until they have intertwined, risen upon my neck, and made my strength stumble. What can I say? What can I speak? How can I justify myself? I have spread out my hands to You; help me, save me! I have strayed so much these eighteen years into very confused and bewildering paths, to the point that even if You have mercy on me and You call, announce, and hint to me, I do not hear or clearly recognize the sound of Your call, and I still have not returned from my error. Woe is me, alas for me! Master of the Universe, Master of the Universe, all the expressions of supplication, request, crying out, and regret in the world—I should have cried them all out several years ago. And now, now, after I have added several more sins, iniquities, and transgressions in thought, speech, and action every day and every hour, what more can I add to speak? Who can innovate more words? Who will give me a mouth to speak more according to what I need to speak? Especially since, in truth, I do not merit to speak perfectly in truth. Even the words I would have needed to speak had I only committed a thousandth and a myriadth of what I have done... Oy, oy, oy! What can I say, what can I speak, and what strength can I muster? Like a dead dog I lie before You; like foul mud I am poured out before You. Here I am before You, full of shame and disgrace, full of sins, iniquities, and transgressions from the sole of my foot to my head, from the day I gained awareness until this day. Help one who is wandering and led astray in confusing, corrupted paths and confused thoughts like me today. Show me the true path and the right counsel so that I may quickly merit to reach the straight path according to Your true good will. May I merit from now on to return to You in truth and to serve You in truth, with awe and love. Favor me and redeem me. "Revive me according to Your loving-kindness, so shall I keep the testimony of Your mouth." "Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day." "Teach me, Hashem, the way of Your statutes, and I will keep it to the end." "The earth, Hashem, is full of Your loving-kindness; teach me Your statutes." May it be Your will, Hashem our God and the God of our fathers, that You grant me the merit of a youth's chupah. Just as You crowned Moshe Rabbeinu, peace be upon him, with the light of Your chupah when he reached three months of age, so too crown me with the lights of Abba, Arich, and Atik. Renew my youth that passed in darkness, and draw down upon me Your Thirteen Attributes of Mercy, which are drawn from the thirteen rectifications of the Beard of Arich, which are drawn from the thirteen times the word 'Light' is written in the Act of Creation. Fulfill in me the verse, "And Avraham returned to his young men"—to the days of his youth and vitality. May I not cease my clinging to You for even a brief moment, and may I have no pleasure from this world, not even a hairsbreadth. Grant me the blessing of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov—with all, from all, all—who merited to be weaned from the Evil Inclination immediately in their childhood, and all their days were a taste of the World to Come, solely in supernal clinging to You. They merited all their days to enjoy the radiance of the Shechinah, and to stroll in the supernal chambers in the Lower and Upper Garden of Eden. Just as Yitzchak merited on the day of his chupah to come "from the way of Be'er Lahai Roi," which our Sages, of blessed memory, said means he came from the Garden of Eden, so too grant me and all Your people, the House of Israel, the merit to enter the Lower and Upper Garden of Eden by the day of their chupah. This is the secret of "In the beginning He created"—'a statement and a half statement' of supernal shame and lower shame, to be ashamed before You even before fulfilling every single mitzvah, even before putting food into my mouth. Grant me a life without sorrow, a life of true lowliness and humility, a life that is a taste of the World to Come. May I merit "to walk before Hashem in the lands of the living." Transform all my sins into merits, and grant me the merit of teshuvah out of love. Transform falsehood into truth, and every desecration of Hashem's Name that I have caused into a sanctification of Hashem's Name. Transform all my sadness and sorrows into joy and gladness, and all my many sins into my many merits. All that I have blemished, sinned, and caused others to sin, You will rectify in Your abundant mercy, and transform everything into merits, into mitzvos, into joy, and into light. Grant me wisdom, understanding, and knowledge, so that I will never again do anything that is against Your will, Heaven forbid, and all the more so, not to do even the slightest hint of a sin, Heaven forbid. May I not be ashamed or disgraced, Heaven forbid, neither in this world nor in the World to Come. May the verses be fulfilled in me: "Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; and your light shall rise in the darkness, and your gloom shall be as the noonday. And Hashem will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; and you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not. And they that shall be of you shall build the old waste places; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of paths to dwell in." "I will greatly rejoice in Hashem, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." "You shall also be a crown of beauty in the hand of Hashem, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God."

Master of the Universe, Omnipotent One from whom no purpose can be withheld, grant me the merit upon reaching the age of eighteen that I may merit the ten surrounding lights of Ima (the Supernal Mother) and the ten surrounding lights of Abba (the Supernal Father), with each one corresponding to Chai (18) years, totaling 360 = Shas. And may I merit by the age of 20, when all the surrounding lights of Abba are completed, to finish the entire Shas forwards and backwards. The secret of a well [203] of living [68] water [90] = Shas + 1 = 361. May I merit to guard my eyes, and in this merit may the verse be fulfilled in me: "Wisdom cries aloud in the street, she utters her voice in the broad places" (Proverbs 1:20). Wisdom [474] cries aloud [655] + 1 = Guarding [950] the eyes [180] = 1130. And through this, may I merit, through the study of Shas, to subdue the dragon [360] = Shas, the primordial serpent, from which come all evil and repulsive thoughts. Therefore, Shas is the Gematria of dragon: Shas = Dragon = 360. And may I merit to always be in true knowledge (Da'as), to know that You are Hashem alone = The Knowledge (HaDa'as) + 1. You [406] are [12] Hashem [26] alone [36] = The Knowledge [479] + 1 = 480.